This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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