dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
