next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
