"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Drunk is not a location!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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