The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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