why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
