It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
