I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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