I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize