peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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