We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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