You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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