they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
