Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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