It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
