dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
