Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
