Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
My balls are so social today.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
