All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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