We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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