Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
