If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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