At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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