I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
