i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
