Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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