dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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