apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
