So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize