Say something about gay babies.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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