I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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