I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
