Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
