to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
