I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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