Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize