chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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