You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
