the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I AM VODKA MAN
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
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