drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
she pinky promised me she was 18
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
