just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
