I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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