DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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