So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
