the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize