Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
