Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
