I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
