We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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