he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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