Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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