just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
