last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
