So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
