Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
