Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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