just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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