at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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