I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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