My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize