I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
