If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
