my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
