This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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