apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
