No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
