drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
