While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
