From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
