He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
