Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
