his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I am one with the molecules
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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