theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize