I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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