I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
